Our lives have been anything but normal since the day of your anatomy scan. My heart sank when were told that we needed to be followed by a Perinatal Specialist.
And here I thought I would have an uneventful pregnancy—like the one I had with your brother. Zero pregnancy symptoms other than the occasional gas pains in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen.
I envied all of the other pregnant mothers sitting in the waiting room at the Naval Hospital. Giddily waiting to hear their sweet baby’s heartbeat.
I envied them because all they had to worry about was what they wanted to name their baby.
I envied them because they were discussing what they wanted on their baby registry, or what color they wanted to paint their baby’s nursery.
I envied them because they were hoping their baby would be early due to measuring ahead.. They didn’t have to worry about their baby measuring four weeks behind and possibly not thriving.
They didn’t have to worry whether or not their baby was getting enough oxygen and nutrients. They didn’t have to worry about the unknown.
They didn’t have to worry about the fact that their child had a higher chance of being stillborn. I frequented Labor and Delivery more than a pregnant woman should have to.
I envied them because they didn’t have to have frequent growth scans, weekly non-stress tests, extra genetic testing, and weekly doppler scans.
I envied the other mothers because they were transitioning from one child to two effortlessly.
And the one thing I envy the most of all.. I envied the mothers not having these emotions of envy or jealousy.
I do not like having these feelings. We as mothers want and hope that other mothers have a healthy pregnancy.
We hope that they don’t have to worry about their baby falling behind, not having enough oxygen, or even having a higher possibility of a still-born.
We hope that all they have to worry about is if the car seat is properly in place.
We don’t wish for other mothers to feel what we feel.
But, I can’t help and feel these emotions. This wasn’t the pregnancy I envisioned. This wasn’t the graceful transition to motherhood of two I dreamed of.
Hey jealousy, I didn’t dream of this at all.
Now fast forward to the present, which happens to be almost 2 years to the day of Jaxson’s first breath. I’ve come to terms with my feelings way back when and I am now an open book. I hope by reflecting back on our journey and sharing our raw emotions, that it will help another mother currently battling this.
Another mother who is beside herself with jealousy and envy.. it is okay to feel these feelings. I would know. It doesn’t make you any less of a mother, nor does it make you any less of a woman.
It makes you human.
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